This year alone I’ve dated a person who was barely legal, one who was barely sane and another one who claims she didn’t even know we were dating.
At the beginning of the year, all I could pray for was a partner, a wife, a soul-mate to save me from my loneliness and help me to carry the burdens of life. “Please God, PLEASE”, I literally cried as my motherly relationship with a person, who could have technically been my child, ended and spring allergies starting whooping my tale. “Life isn’t meant to live alone”, my snotty cries turned into screams, tantrums, bargains and countless conversations with Mel.
If you read our blog, you know that Emelda, or Mel as I call her, is happily married with an adorable one-year-old daughter (my Godbaby, Naima). Even though she understood my pain, without me having to tell her, I talked to her all summer like she didn’t. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MEL! You have Keston and Naima, you never come home to an empty house, if your car breaks down, you don’t have to think about who to call, LIFE IS NOT MADE TO BE SPENT ALONE!!”
I was convinced I was miserable, the sole reason being my singleness. Then, as always, God answered my prayer.
She was perfect for me. An artist with a fierce devotion to God. We laughed and partied, we talked about our dreams and our purpose, we simply could not get enough of each other…for one amazing week. At the end of the week, my life turned into a Zora Neal Hurston book. She started foaming from the mouth, as if infected with rabies, and I had to shoot her because I thought she was about to kill me.
What did happen though was a very clear series of omens. First, my car was towed, then I got a flat, then I broke down on 695 and then a dead bird flew into my car window and landed directly in the place where she was previously sitting. Laugh if you will, but I believe in signs.
And thank God almighty I was listening. Not too long after the dead bird encounter, “the perfect match” revealed that her God did not approve of homosexuality but, “when God looks at us, all He sees is the blood-stained banner” therefore, she accepted being in an unnatural and sinful relationship.
I quickly exited stage right!
Could any love be better than hers? Well, Adele sang it best. “Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you” became my August anthem.
I was at peace with things. Still not happy about being single, but clearly there was nothing I could do but patiently wait for divine intervention and work on myself so my future wife would meet the ideal version of me. OK, I did get weak and tried to compose an online dating profile but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. No, not because I judge online dating but because I’ve had some terrible, I mean awful experiences with scary people I’ve met there.
Now it’s winter and I’m in love. I’ve found her, my everything. Don’t worry, I’m not going to say that I’ve fallen madly in love with myself. I’m very happy for people who have. I think myself is wonderful but who’s even better is my DREAM self!
I know, it’s just as corny but I’m truly in a committed relationship with my goals and I’m happy about that, today.
Is this the curse of being thirty (something) and single? We attract relationships out of desperation and self-pity, then decide that we really don’t want to be in a relationship at all. And we do this year, after year, after year.
If you’ve read this far and haven’t noticed by now, I don’t have any answers for this perpetual dilemma. I’m just a single woman, taking it day by day. Today was a good day. Today, I renewed my commitment to fulfilling my dreams. Today, I played with my Godbaby, I got my hair done with Mel, we did a little shopping, I talked to some hommies and I wrote this amazing blog post.
Tonight, I won’t be lonely. I can’t wait to curl up with my warm blankets beside new my toasty heater. And tomorrow, I will still be single. That’s the one thing I know for sure.
Always Live in Color! – Shannon
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