I started yesterday in a panic, y’all. Why? Life-threatening emergency? Did someone close to me die? Nope. My good girlfriend Michelle over at Surviving a Creative Life texted. My blog was down. Did I know? What?!! Down? No! I texted back, barely able to type, my hands overcome by crippling panic.
Crap, I yelled! I forgot to pay my web hosting company. Ugh! All their reminders were buried in mountainous email heaps I could no longer tame. As I anxiously dug through my purse, searching for the credit card, I felt naked, like someone robbed me. At this point, near tears, I texted a few other close friends, still wounded and praying all my work would remain in tact.
I read the words of that last email – “some data might not be restored.” The phrase, a thinly-veiled threat, sauntered in and out of my mind, until finally, I quieted those thoughts. All the years of work, I muttered to myself, nursing sudden despondence.
Let Go, Evolve
Interestingly enough, my bestie Shan (The Free Gurl Club), and I were just talking about the lesson of non-attachment (she tragically lost a favorite pair of sunglasses this week), and the capriciousness of relying on the Internet as the sole platform for your work. We discussed the book ideas sitting in our minds, and how essential it is to go beyond online.
As I waited the few hours for website restoration, I began to consider something revolutionary in Western culture. I am NOT a profession – writer, blogger and whatever other “career box” is assigned to me based on education and work history. In a society which worships work and productivity, many of us never discover who we are outside the confines of other’s perceptions.
…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.
Self worth is not measured by blog traffic, catchy graphics or social media followers. If the Internet disintegrated tomorrow, I would remain, an evolving and loving human being who wants to inspire others. It is my heart which matters, my soul, my walk with Christ which endures. I hear you, God. I think I have the lesson now.